For people who have anxiety, you know. You know that from day to day your entire perspective on life can change. Yesterday I literally felt like the roof was going to fall down on me, like my heart would give out and there was no point in moving one foot in front of the other. Today is not so bad, but my heart still nearly jumped out of my chest when I got a text from my friends.

Ironically, new friends, who don’t fully understand my anxiety yet. Some talk about their shit, some drink, some do yoga, not me. I curl deeper and deeper into myself and shut out the world. My brain needs a break to reprogram and chill out. When I spiral down a rabbit hole of bananas I get paranoid, I start thinking my friends are talking behind my back, little jokes from family or friends become digs at me and I take everything extremely personally. My friends went out the other night and didn’t invite me, I took deep offense to that! Who even am I?!

I am not that person, I don’t wish to be around people or with people who don’t want me around. But my anxiety threw me down that hole and there was no stopping me. Now I have to try to explain to my friends, without offending them, that I’m just not myself right now and hope they don’t try to tell me that it’s all in my head or that it’ll get better. Because I get tired of hearing those things.

The first few years my husband and I dated were hard, he didn’t know how to handle my anxious self. It took books and a lot of conversations, crying, and a few different counselors for us both to understand how to handle my anxiety and what causes it.

Now, almost 6 years later, instead of telling me I’ll be fine or to think more positively, he just hugged me, did the basic house chores that needed to be done, and checked in on me an appropriate amount of times. Now how to cross this bridge and actually attempt to keep friends…

Is it too early for wine? Haha.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

My anxiety has been INSANE lately. I cannot shut my brain off, I cannot sleep, I’m driving my husband crazy. So I decided instead of being passive aggressive on social media when I can’t stop thinking about something, I should expel the contents of my brain, if for no other reason than to chill the F out.

Today I woke up at 3:30, who knows why. But then my brain spiraled Alice in Wonderland style down a rabbit hole of crazy. I want to make gingerbread cookies, must find good gingerbread cutout recipe, found one. Try to go back to sleep, but I’m hot, so I move Bear (our 1 year old lab mix) over a bit, she goes to my feet and then Moose (our 4 month old boxer mix) comes up to take Bear’s place, I get comfortable again but my brain still won’t shut off. Meanwhile Derek is snoring away soundly.

Fast forward an hour and a half and I finally decide to get up and start my day, and try not to wake up my husband, and that’s how I decided to start this adventure.

Sometimes I think I should write a book about the experiences my life has brought me. Most people don’t believe how much life I’ve lived in a short 26 years, or think I exaggerate the actual nonsense that has gone on. The people who have experienced it with me seem to have a constant look of pity for me and I hate telling new friends my story because I hate when people feel bad for me.

My life is awesome now. My husband is amazing, our dogs are perfect (currently both sitting as close as possible to me), I love my career, our home is beautiful and we’re very much in love. We want to start a family in the near future. BUT I had to work my ass off to get my life to be this good, and I’m still scared shitless often that one day it could all be gone. It actually gets tiring hearing from people how ‘perfect’ our life is because they diminish our struggle or the struggle to get here. I hate when people compare struggles to prove a point like theirs is way worse, or they’ve been through more. It gets tiring, I don’t care to compare, chances are if I’ve told you my story its so you understand, not feel pity for me or try to prove that you’ve endured more and come out better. Sometimes I want to scream I DON’T CARE, and situations like this is why I prefer not to talk. Its just not worth the effort it takes to then get physically exhausted from this encounter. Humans in general just exhaust me.

That probably makes me sound like an asshole, but I am a firm believer that we can all coexist and respect each others crap without crapping all over someone else. I’m honest to a fault, sometimes people take it the wrong way but wouldn’t you rather always know where you stand with someone than wonder if they’re the kind of person who’d talk behind your back?

I’m taking teenagers shopping today, on very little sleep. Time to get in the Christmas spirit!